Runnin’

So, you run, run as far as you can from “home” and then you call the new place, ‘home’, works, doesn’t it? Well, I think so! I mean, it’s easy to call anything or anyone ‘home’ if you’ve been all about being accommodating.

Ask me the difference between “home” you’ve grown up in and the new things you start to refer as ‘home’? Not much! Why? Just because of the process of making a house into a place that gives you love, it starts with you, it’s not about the external physicality of a place or person, right?

However, somewhere along this process, you realize that anything and everything can’t become ‘home’ even if you do enough to make it. And, truthfully, why won’t you understand that? I mean, can it really happen if the other things don’t contribute enough to make it what you need it to be? It won’t right, and, you’ll burn out in the process without even knowing it.

Is your house a home?

So, you’re basically, just running, running as far as you can from “home” and then you identify the new place as ‘house’, works doesn’t it? Well, I think so! I mean, for how long can you lie about being alright with adjusting, while you’re just running from your own self?

That’s the thing, your original “home” is effortless and comforting and now, when you do everything because you know how to, to create something meaningful, without the lack of reciprocation from other things, it’ll not be ‘home’. And, if you’re anything like me, just a ‘house’ is enough to keep you going. So, you’ll never stop running! Which is okay, right? I mean, you’ve been all about that accommodation and adjustment.

Aatira Kakroo

Does The Ocean Ever Dry Up?

I read somewhere that “One of the most human things about anxiety is that we try to cure chaos with chaos.”, now, is this intense or what?

This got me thinking about how do we normally deal with anxiety? I mean, most of love to shut the doors to chaos, when there’s an overwhelming experience, but some of us try to dive into it, as if, one was standing in front of an ocean and the only thing one knew is to jump into it.

Which one are you? I’m sure that I’m the latter one, why will I just stand in front of an ocean and not taste the tide? Why will I just stare at the ocean and do nothing? I won’t. And, maybe that’s because I’ve never been taught to walk away, even when I know, I’m going to drown.

And, how can one even expect to just simply stare at the ocean and not feel a thing despite not giving your all to it? And, sometimes, you might even think that you’ve closed the doors to what’s bound to make you anxious but then, it creeps back up in your system and it haunts you.

If you’re somewhat like me, you know that the only way to deal with something that’s making you anxious is to create another situation, and, unknowingly and unfortunately, just another reason to feel triggered.

How does this manifest in your day to day life? Do you see yourself, jumping from one failed relationship to another? Changing cities for no particular reason? Moving professions and not wanting to stabilise? Feeling like you’re always walking on egg shells? And, never being able to judge red flags? If any of these situations make sense to you, then you’re trying to “cure chaos with chaos”.

Now, I’m no expert on how to deal with anxiety, however, won’t it be easy if one really knew how to walk away from it? But, we have concluded that I and people like me, don’t know how to. So, maybe, it would be easier, if the ocean never existed?

Well, life ain’t easy, my friend. And, think about it, if there weren’t any oceans, life won’t exist. So, if one didn’t experience things that made one anxious, will one ever feel alive? I doubt!

Have you heard the song, ‘Spirits’ by The Strumbellas? The lyrics of the song go like, “I’ve got guns in my head and they won’t go, spirits in my head and they won’t go”. I just heard it very recently, and, it made so much sense to me. Guns, spirits, ocean, anxiety, potato, patato.

Aatira Kakroo

What Am I? And, What’s Become Of Me?

Don’t you just love some days like they were meant to happen to you as if they were written in the stars just for your existence? When I say “some days”, I mean, when you don’t let any thing bother you, you let all the negativity slide and have a smile on your face. Somedays, there might be a reason to it, something which is exciting like getting a promotion or buying a house or maybe even proposing to your loved one, these are the usual things that are meant to buy you happiness, aren’t they?

But no, hold on! I’m not talking about these kind of days. I mean, those times when, despite these extra ordinary things happening to your life, you chose to be happy. A day where you just don’t care about achieving these milestones but just wake up smiling? Don’t you just cherish such days?

C’mon, who am I kidding? Do we wake up happy or does one have to prioritise being happy? Well, the reason you love such days are because they’re so rare in nature. Honestly, I think we’re conditioned to be happy only when we reach a certain goal, be it immediate or long term. And, in the race of reaching there, we let ourselves become very robot like, you know? Feeling emotions to an extent that they disappear in the passing moments and so, only when you reach that particular goal, you experience ‘happiness’.

“We’re In Coffins Before Literally Being In One.”

This is where my issue with ‘conditioning‘ begins! In it’s most basic form, to be taught how to experience an emotion. I think, happiness is within us, like any other emotion. So, a day you wake up smiling is probably the day you’ve let yourself find joy within yourself by just being content. Now, is this so hard? Can this not be a routine for us? Maybe not. “Maybe not”, because of the conditions we’ve grown up with.

How does one break that? Surely, one can’t do it, the moment they decide to, it’s a process. A process of figuring out how the world around us, shaped us. A classic ‘nature vs nurture‘ case taking place here! In this case, ‘nature’ is experiencing everything that stems through us. Nurture is what the society has been telling us to experience. So, when one understands that ‘nurture’ is meant to dictate how and when you can feel a certain emotion, the process of connecting to ‘nature’ begins.

And, when the process starts, you question not just feeling ‘happy’ when you gain something, you doubt everything you’ve been given knowledge about, all your life. No matter how much you believe in the importance of the learnings that comes through society, you’ll reach this point. Probably, it’ll happen when you feel everything you’ve picked up, is nothing but chaos that the world itself, doesn’t understand. At that phase, you’ll want to connect deeper into yourself, just for the sake of finding some contentment which ultimately, will lead to happiness.

Do I manifest this? I want to say ‘YES’, but let’s just be honest for a second, I’m not sure. Most of the days, I worship the hardships into reaching my goals to make some sense out of all this or just to be ‘happy’. However, on some days, I know that I can escape this race by just focusing on own my believes, looking a tad bit deeper into my nature, being more about my internal mechanisms. Let’s just say that everyday is a struggle, wanting and trying to unlearn. Though today, I chose to be happy without even being close to my targets. However, where do you stand? Have you even started to question your basics?

Aatira Kakroo

Kashmir, India.

Let’s cut to the chase,
Surely, this isn’t about a race.
A problem rooted so deep,
That I just wanna yell,*beep.*
Wow, that automatically got censored,
Not to blame me, because I’m tailored.
By who, you ask?
The one’s behind the mask.
Are they in yellow, orange, rose or a lotus?
For me, each body is a cactus.
Effortlessly growing, into your vein,
Does anyone see anyone’s pain?

Who am I to speak?
Surely, this isn’t about a leak.
Ask me, what it takes?
Bread and butter, and my place.
It’s not on your television,
For you, there’s no corrosion.
They say, we shall win,
That’s why nobody sees their sin.
I wish nobody has to taste,
For me, life here is waste.
Bring out the gun,
Let me surrender my fun.

Aatira Kakroo

“We Were On A Break”

I just quoted Ross from ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’ in the title, but on a serious note. Hello! I’m back. Ross did quite a lot in just a night when he was on a break from Racheal but my life hasn’t even had that much action in years. No. I’m kidding. Or else, why would I come back if not to vent to you? So, it’s been four long years. I graduated from college, started working, got eight to ten more permanent inks on my body, shifted countless homes, lost many friends, had my first baby, I mean my dog (Astro) and also, faced a pandemic with the rest of the world. Overall, a good break from the world of blogging. Well, not really.

I’ve missed my blog page so much over these years. I can’t even tell you how many times I would google it and read the older posts and then, notice that the last one was written in 2016 and, that would just make me really sad. So, why did I stop writing or more specifically, blogging? Did I have writer’s block? Hell, no! In fact, I took a job as a content creator, hence, that’s clearly not the case. I just think I got bored or perhaps I just love going underground, every now and then. Yes, that’s the one. To be honest, I love to disappear. Can that happen? Is that natural? I think it can and is. And, that’s what we’re going to talk about.

DISAPPEAR

Can you count the number of strangers you’ve known? I probably can, not on my fingers or toes, I would run out in no time. Don’t start pitying me, now. I’m solely the cause behind making my friends turn into foes. If I don’t disappear, they’d still be around, right?? God! Now, I’m pitying myself. Alright, let’s stop this cycle. Anyhow, if you’re somewhat like me, you should continue to read.

There are times that I say, “we are on a break” to the world and go into a bubble that I create, it’s truly just a phase, you know? By “world” I mean, everything in my life. Sometimes, it’s my work, I don’t go to the office for days and surrender myself into YouTube’s rabbit hole. Other times, it’s my social circle, if they really have to reach me, they need change my Netflix password. And most of the times, I disappear from myself. Woah! That escalated quickly! Am I really venting? *Control Uday, Control* (For those, who don’t get this reference, please watch the movie ‘Welcome‘, it’ll change your life.)

Most of you might try to justify this by calling me an ambivert. Though I am an ambivert, I doubt the reason is that. I believe in burnouts and more than that, I have faith in the concept of space- physically and psychologically. We can all agree that currently, the world we live in, is very demanding in nature. Everything and everyone has million expectations and it’s just easier to escape for a while, know? Your boss expects you to do overtime, your family needs those extra hours from you in the day, your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t growing tired of the honeymoon period and most importantly, you can’t stop aspiring for more in life. God, I typed that in a single breathe. Basically, I need that space and maybe you do, too. I disappear and maybe you do, too.

And, some of you are going to come at me and say, “Bruh, that’s called adulting.” And, to those, I say, “Shush!” Or, maybe you’re right. Are bloggers just overthinkers? I mean, I really “over” think so.

Aatira Kakroo

10/10?- Creating personal theories while dreaming.

​A conversation that I ran through my head while taking a great nap, grabbed by attention and I tried my best to relive that talk here.

What if you were perfect in every moment of your life? You had it all together, getting those straight A’s in life. Just a life full of tick marks on that ‘to-do list’. Or instead, you were a flip to this? Being hardly any productive to achieve things. According to me, both these sides of the coin can challenge the ability  to grow in you. 

But let’s think practically, if you’re living these last days of your teenage years, you’re probably finding solutions to different kinds of hangover, figuring out your talents, getting to know a variety of people or travelling for exposure. And if you’re at the stage, ‘struggling with adulthood’, you’re just simply paying your bills, changing nappies, watching your puppies grow into dogs and learning new technology everyday. Life at these stages for a 21st century chap is a difficult task to balance well and coping with that requires one’s full attention. So I don’t blame you, if you get distracted from being the ultimate 10/10 in life.

Perhaps I discouraged your confidence to slay in life, in those lines above and that leads to further expand this monologue in my sleep. 

 That is some bs thinking, how is not being ‘No.1’, a better way of life? 

I personally think, growth and change are the most important aspect for an individual to work upon. If you see a rising arrow in the graph of ‘achieving goals’, it’s a sign of progress. It’s necessary to cross every bridge of obstacle that comes along your way.

Failing those first few papers in your college days, then slowly being average at those subjects and finally, finding your apple bottom with the nerds of your class or doing the whole ‘chai-sutta’ (reference to the Indian version of making acquaintances) with your new colleague at work initially in your 20’s and then being your daughter’s hero and working hard to keep that up. What a wonderful way to live right? You get to face the changes that come along while you improve towards the better and there’s never a full stop, a life of adventure. Change is always good no matter how well your achievements and goals satisfy you at a point in your life. Moving forward and working towards the next step keeps you going and makes you encounter a new day,everyday and that, can be a source of happiness. You’ll always have an aim to sweat for and that’s life worth living. 
~A famous Chinese proverb

Standing still at any level of your life is the most dangerous way to kill the fun of living. Being the best at everything can take away rejoicing small steps that build who you are today and who’ll be different tomorrow.

Aatira Kakroo

Taken by the Devil

she walked through the door

at a pace of lightening

and I, not knowing what to expect

from this ending

as I saw her leave

I could feel my heartbeat

pump like the first

time from our meet

I remember thinking

to save her only for myself

and protecting her from the Satan

I knew I’d be a good daddy

I’ll guide her through lantern

I knew I would do anything

to keep this baby from dismay

but where did I go wrong

now all I could do was frown

didn’t I know it was coming

how could I stop it from happening

my angel was in devil’s

number one list

was she so good that she made it

to his hit list

I need to bring her back

to see her smile like she did

behind my back

all I know she deserved to be the

God’s child and not the one in disguise

love, come back I’ll keep you

away from the nightmares and bring

you a world full of daydreams

don’t you wish to have what I have

or was it never there lad

I want to tell you about the

world that sees no King of Hell

and does not pray to the devil

baby, didn’t I give you

a life full of blessings and

where the skies were blue

sweet child, is your life now dark

can I see the girl who

was as strong as a rock

hon, did you leak your blood for him

to sign your name to proclaim

Satan Lucifer as your only god

were black,red and blue

your favourite colours of candles

baby, didn’t you once tell me

how you loved the world

and that people should love more than gold

what are you running from now

I’ll get you back if it’s not too late

or if it’s needed I’ll join you just

to have a date

with you and the archfiend

dove, I’m coming to mark myself

one among you if that’s what it

takes to keep myself with you

Aatira Kakroo

The Black Cat.

A narration of a man, Sam Sanders who is in his last stages of ‘Delusional Disorder’ after facing two traumatic incidents which take place on the very same day in CentVille,Europe. 

 
“WELCOME TO THE HOUR OF BREAKING NEWS, THE CENTVILLE PETROL PUMP NEAR THE OLD VALLEY PUBLIC SCHOOL CAUGHT FIRE AND 15 YEAR OLD, LISA SANDERS LOSES HER LIFE TO THE BURNS.” 

I shut the television on hearing this.

“Son, come fast. We need to leave.” As long as I remember, this was on 11th November’77. 

 “Yes dad, I’ll be right there with Lisa.” On hearing the name, I was taken aback, the immediate response to Ben was “Why did you name the cat Lisa?”

  “Dad, I just want to keep this cat as close to me as my sister was.” 

Lisa was a short-haired breed. She was black as a raven, her coat was glossy and smooth. Lisa had shiny yellow eye balls, a perfect example of patent leather kid with the new penny eyes. My wife understood my son’s emotions better than I did and insisted on keeping the name for the cat same as our late daughter. We were moving into a house 15 km away from Centville. It once belonged to a 70 year old man who treated his home as his only precious asset. He lived with a cook and a lovely maid. Both loyal to their owner took care of his villa really well. One day, the house got burnt down because of kitchen fire and with that the old man, cook and the maid passed away. The land went to his son, who built another beautiful house in memory of his old late chap. The marvelous structure was covered with ‘clematis’, my wife’s favorite flowering plants. All the arch’s were purple due to these blooming buds. After seeing the house, Rose and I immediately decided to buy it. Moreover, we were really looking forward to move to gain some new and healthy relationships. Our old neighborhood had led Rose and Ben to go into depression, they wouldn’t stop questioning about our daughter who had passed away.

Lisa,the cat and us found ourselves well-adjusted to this new home.  My family had found Lisa’s company really useful. Ben would not let this black ball of fur be away for even a second. They had started to see her as a part of the family.  Our lives had started all over again. We had hired a maid to help Rose with her house work. She was really appreciative of it. Our main concern-  neighbors and to our luck, the neighbors were really pleasant and understanding. We started having ‘get-your-own- food and booze-dinners’ on Saturday nights. However some of them didn’t like pets – black cats – Lisa.  Actually it was the same case with me. Somehow I couldn’t take Lisa being this close to us. After all, she was a black cat. And you know what they say about these furry felines? They are associated with ‘witches’ and bring evil omens.

 I wish and want to believe that the superstition related to them wasn’t true but that sure wasn’t the case.  Few days into our daily routine, our maid was found dead in Ben’s room. The police investigation could not prove anything but Lisa’s presence in the same room. 
Rose couldn’t find any other worker for the house and this made her insane. The house was so big and I couldn’t blame her for complaining about it. Ben too, started being isolated from us with this four-legged buddy.  We argued about the same before my work, during and after it. 
Few days later, on one of the dinner nights, Lisa ran over the table which housed all the wine and beer glasses. All the glass broke into pieces and flew across the room. Unfortunately and maybe consciously, the cat killed one of our favorite neighbor lady by this act. After that night, no more dinners or meet ups were held which included the Sanders.  Rose couldn’t stop cribbing about how terrible our lives had become again. Days passed by, our home became just a house now. My family wasn’t very happy. My life after the death of our daughter was miserable enough and just when I had thought it had built back to normal, it was tearing apart again and I couldn’t be less doubtful about it being the dingy cat’s fault. I wanted to get rid of this cat.

 On a very unhappy night, I decided to do something about this and for all I know, this night changed my whole life. I went into the basement and picked a rope and an axe. Then, into Ben’s room to look for Lisa. She was wide awake looking straight out of the window. The moment I picked her up, she looked me in the eye. She had the sharpest features which showed no sign of fear and life. I made sure Ben was fast asleep while I got this death-dealing creature out. I, immediately ran a mile away from the villa. I saw my home from a distance, it reminded me of the day, Rose and I had laid our eyes on it. It simply looked beautiful with those violet clematis. I instantly felt angry for letting my wife go through all this trouble and with this thought, I tied Lisa to a tree’s bark with the rope tightly. I walked few steps from the tree and started to dig the ground. After I had dug enough and also, removed all my frustration through this act, I was satisfied. I couldn’t wait to commit the very first crime of my life, burying a cat alive. I went back to the tree but only to find Lisa missing. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I returned to the spot where I had done my digging. This is where I didn’t know what was happening. I saw the axe but no hole in the ground. I screamed and cried loudly and that was followed with a loud laughter. On returning back home and searching every corner, I still couldn’t find Lisa. I was just exhausted and clueless. Helplessly, I fell asleep on the sofa. Next morning, while sipping on my cup of tea, I tried to contemplate what had happened the previous night and just when I was thinking of all the reasons for Lisa’s disappearance, I felt a shiver down my spine because I realized I had been stroking Lisa’s fur all this time.

Today,11th November’87, I’m 55 years old and alone. In these passing years, I have lost my wife and son to a car accident, this took place about 10 years from now, when Rose was dropping Ben to his classes along with Lisa. Soon after their death, I quit my job too. The neighbors who had once left contact with us, try to keep me company but I really don’t need their pity. They think I’m lonely and jobless. Whereas I’ve never felt the need for their entertainment. In fact, I’m very much occupied as I’ve encountered the same incident every night since that day and this is my life now.

I wake up, grab rope and an axe, pick Lisa, run a mile, remember my wife, tie the pussy, dig a hole, find the black soul and the hole missing , scream, cry and laugh, search the house , sleep on the sofa,  justify the ocelot’s absence and then find myself stroking her.

 Names, characters, places and incidents are my products of imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.  

  Aatira Kakroo

Money and Love.

What’s money? You know it.
You’re able to read this because either you/your parents/your guardian/your neighbour or the person you stole this device from, had money.

Where would any of us be if money didn’t exist?
In the times is ‘Barter system’ , Yeah.
Goods and services were exchanged to buy what one wanted.
The introduction to money clearly helped us to put a price on the items bought or sold and made it comparable.
So even if we were in the era of Barter system, where would you be if you didn’t have any assets for exchanging?
Hence money is more or else the extension of the barter system.
                   Assets=Money
And, that brings me back to my
pervious question;

Where would any of us be if money didn’t  exist?

Let’s just say, one can survive without money.
Who can? Homeless people? No, the roads they sleep on are made by using money. Nomads? They carry a bag at least for their never ending travel. What is going to buy them, that bag?
The only possible answer I can give you is,a cave man.

How does one live like a cave man?

You’ll time travel 2,00,000 to 3,00,000 years in the past. You might not wear clothes ( maybe, leaves ). You will start making tools out of trees and stones for survival and also fire.
You’ll eat anything and everything, hunting and gathering is what you’ll master. You’ll mate, produce babies who will follow you and of course, you might live for 30-40 years and then die.

However we can’t go back to being cavemen because of evolution, technology and must importantly, the point I’m trying to make, money.
In these years,the purpose of life shifted from mastering the techniques of hunting and making tools to earning a living. Undoubtedly, cavemen were humans. They had feelings and emotions too. Apart from the biological factor which caused the growth of their generations, they shared intimacy. They must have loved their partners just like how we do.
Although we’ve figured that cavemen did not require any kind of money, we certainly do. We also share a great amount of feelings.

         Cavemen : Love ✔ Money ❌
          Humans : Love ✔ Money ✔

Does the need for money cause change in the way we love?

I don’t know how cavemen loved. Do you?
I wish there was a meter that gave the ratio between the biological and emotional factor in them.
But I certainly know if we didn’t have the need to buy ourselves a living and to survive mostly on the basis of money, we could have been different. Different mainly in terms of who,why,what and how we love.

“I’m going to marry someone who is going to be rich.”
“I’m going to make so much money that I don’t need to fear about people loving me.”
“I love that new motorbike. It’s going to cost me a bomb.”
“Baby, I bought you a neck piece for you. Forgive me for yesterday’s fight?”

We’ve started to derive our happiness and love from things that can only be bought. Our needs and wants have converted us in being extremely materialistic. We have lost the meaning of adjectiving unconditional to love. Apparently, we can compare the amount of love someone showers on us by how much they’re willing to spend on us. The purest feeling in us must be kept away from something so cheap yet extremely expensive.
In my opinion, something so objective in nature (money) will always be in dissonance with something very subjective ( love ).

        
I wish we lived like Cavemen. But just in a more civilized way.
With hardly any money but more love.
Or lived more like ‘ The Flintstones ‘ , TV series (1960s)

Aatira Kakroo

Start a blog? DO IT.

Why start? 
What to write? 
How to convey what you’ve in mind ? 
Whether people will even consider reading it? 
Will it leave an impact on you and the reader ?
How to keep going ?

My blog completes one year.
        Happy Anniversary Inaureoled.
I have survived in this huge universe of writing by playing the role of a tiny particle, with 13 posts.
But certainly, being an universe of my own thoughts and words. 
This blog means so much to me because of the memories that flash back when I read these posts. 

Words play such a great role in impacting people. 
And, if you’re the one to create it,it’s beautiful.

One year ago,seated on the same sofa as I’m today, writing this. 
I got hold of my dad’s tab and googled some blogging sites. Out of all the sites, ‘WordPress’ really impressed me for a silly reason. I choose it cause of the variety of themes it offers, brings so much life to writing. 
Choosing a name to my blog wasn’t such a big task. 
I knew what it was going to be since the time I gained knowledge about blogging. 
To me, what was more difficult was to have no difference in the blog and my imagination.

The memory of writing my first post is still so fresh in my head. 
I remember going for a ten minute walk  as soon as I had published it and thinking about the last two hours I had spent on setting up the blog and it’s first post. 
I was actually mentally exhausted. Till today, whenever I sit to type another post, I’ve the same anxiety.
Reading and editing what you’ve typed again and again. Most likely, until you know the post by heart. However it is totally worth it.

In count, 30-40 thoughts run through our heads in a minute. Some of which hold our attention. Those thoughts can be the topic of your blog. 
Anything from your feelings to interests. Even about dead pets.

I believe in putting down my emotions in the most simplest way. Basic use of language,nothing fancy. Humour helps to catch people’s attention.

People will consider reading your article for many reasons: 
A. Your title
B. Your presentation 
C. They are fond of you 
D. They hate you ( haters make the best audience )

I never thought my own writing could teach me something. 
With every article, I’ve realised how bold and clear my expression of feelings has got.

I think that, when one really wants to deliver something to people, creativity and art flow in such a way that they make a beautiful piece on their own.

It is that pleasurable feeling you’ll get knowing that people could connect to your writings and make them re think their own capabilities. 
That happiness will make you want write more.

This post was also meant to thank all the people who’ve supported me through this journey.
And clearly, to tell you guys to stop questioning and over thinking the idea of blogging.

If you have ever thought of having a blog of your own and haven’t taken any step to do so, don’t wait. Just do it. You’ll learn more about yourself and people. It’ll surely be an experience you’ll want to have and you’ll be proud.

Aatira Kakroo